*So our goal with this is to try to tell part of our story at least once a week. And I’m already behind 😦 PLEASE FORGIVE ME!! Matt hurt his back several weeks ago, and he’s been on pretty much bed rest for about 3 weeks now. And then Mae Harper got sick this week. So there’s that. It’s been a longggggg week. Mae Harper is finally better, and Matt is getting there slowly but surely. *
Y’all. I am constantly humbled and in awe. Y’all continue to bless our hearts in ways you can’t even imagine. We were blessed from the beginning with a support system that truly carried us through our darkest days. But now, now we’ve started sharing our story and the love, support, and encouragement that we’ve been met with was more than either of us ever expected. I hope something we’ve had to say about our story through Him, has managed to touch y’all as much as y’all have blessed us.
So… Grace.
Grace flowed down on us in ways we couldn’t have ever began to imagine. Matt and I had just experienced one of the biggest hits our marriage could have ever taken. Don’t get me wrong, although there was no way we could see it at the time, we were still blessed. We were both still alive, we had both our kids, we even had each other. And while we weren’t exactly sure how to do it, we knew we were going to fight to get back what had. Or better yet, we were going to fight to make what we were even better. We both knew it was above us to survive this, much less thrive from it. While we were both Christians, and we both would have told you that when we got married Christ was at the center of our marriage – that’s a lie. We were too busy following the world to realize it was a lie of course, but here we were in the fight of our lives for our marriage. Could it have been avoided if we had been following God and seeking Him first in everything like we as Christians are called to do? I’d like to think so. I don’t believe God WANTS his children to sin, but I do believe He ALLOWS it. He created us in His image, but He gave us our free will. Above all, He wants us to chose Him. And we weren’t choosing Him and seeking Him in all that we were doing. We were choosing us – we were choosing the world. That led to a crack – in my heart, in my defenses, in what I knew was right.
And the enemy found his way in.
What we had done this far into our marriage hadn’t worked, it was time to get out of our own way and admit where we had gone wrong. We desperately needed God now more than ever. And through a LOT of praying, a LOT of counseling by our pastor and a LOT of work by two very imperfect people, we began to turn our marriage into the marriage God intended for us to have all along.
One of the very first things we learned early on in our marriage counseling was that men and women essentially need to be loved differently. Sure, this seems like a no brainer, but I’m willing to bet that if you are like we were then you probably have never been mindful of this. A man sees love through the respect he is shown by his wife. In turn, a woman is constantly watching and listening to her husband to be reaffirmed that HE loves her. This seemed so obvious to us when Bro. Terry was counseling us, and really didn’t seem like something we weren’t already doing. However, Biblically we were so far off track. Matt needed to know I respected and loved him through my actions and words, and the opposite was true for me, I needed to know he respected and loved me through his actions and words.
The Five Love Languages. If you haven’t read that book, trust me on this one… read it! That was our next obstacle. We knew we had to show each other how we truly did love one another, and we had to do it how Christ commanded. Bro. Terry told us it is human nature to show love to someone based on how you want to be loved, but it’s not always how they want to be loved so it’s not always received like we intended. So this book, The Five Love Languages, says that everyone can be categorized into a “love language”: 1) Acts of service, 2) Words of affirmation, 3) Physical touch, 4) Gifts and 5) Quality time. Matt and I have two totally different love languages. (Because having the same one would make things too easy 🙂 ) So since my love language is not the same as his, I’m far more likely to show him love based on how I like to be loved. But because it’s not how he likes to be loved, he doesn’t always receive the love I’m showing him. And vice versa. This was a big one for us. Or I know for me it was. We both had to start making a much bigger effort on being sensitive towards the others needs in communicating our love towards each other.
Marriage is designed to be like Christ and the Church. We shouldn’t have a selfish love, always expecting something from our spouse; rather we should have a selfless love. Love our spouse unconditionally, like Christ loves His Church. Agape love. We were thrown in the fire of practicing agape love head on. God had been faithful to us by showing us exactly what we had in our marriage and demanding forgiveness, so we were determined to honor Him by not only loving each other unconditionally, but also making sure we were loving Him like He loves us.
We failed daily. Sometimes it seemed like we even failed SO miserably. But we were finally learning from our mistakes, and not being the biggest hard heads around.
Bro. Terry had us both write down a list of traits that we wanted in our perfect spouse if we could hand pick everything. We then read our lists to each other, and realized we really did already have pretty much everything we needed in each other. BUT, he pointed out that there is no way we as humans can ever be something 100% of the time. But we must still love each other anyway. Agape. We traded lists so that we can always go over them and try to be the best wife/husband that we need from the other. This is something we still do to this day. It’s always good to make sure you are giving your spouse everything they need.
That simple thing changed so much. And that Terry Fant really is a smart man 🙂
Early on it seemed like the bad days out weighed the good. Forgiveness doesn’t equal forgetfulness – that became apparent. We also learned forgiveness is an ongoing practice, not just a one time deal between Matt and myself. There would be fighting, things eventually said out of anger that we shouldn’t have said, then more fighting. It was a vicious cycle we kept finding ourselves in. No matter how hard we tried to honor God continually with our healing, it seemed like we weren’t doing a very good job most days. Hopelessness would creep in. A darkness would settle over each of us. But then Matt pointed out one day – no matter how bad this day may seem, if we had total forgiveness less than 24 hours after “ground zero”, then we’ll get through this day together just fine too. And we would. We did. And every day we got a little bit stronger; as an individual and as a couple.
Grace. We got real good at practicing it! I’m sitting here thinking back on everything, and I realize how quickly it seems to have passed by, yet how it’s also seemed never ending. I guess it’s kinda like what they say about when you have kids, the days are long but the years are short. We never expected to snap our fingers and be past this, it’s just some days (the bad days) seemed like that would be our life forever, our new normal I guess. We owe it ALL to God that we are here today. And it is truly a God thing that we are where we are today. To be able to say that not only are we still married 5 months after the blow our marriage took, but to look at my husband by my side and know that my marriage is THRIVING in a way it never has before! Only God!
If you’re going through a rough spot in your marriage, hold on. Better yet, CRY OUT! Cry out to God! Let Him in to hold you and heal you. You can survive this; you can even thrive from this. Trust me on this one. But also trust me on this, you CAN’T do it alone. If you are just in a rough spot in life, hold on and cry out. Take it from me, the girl who can turn into the biggest “Daisy Downer” you can imagine, there is nothing God can’t handle for you if you’ll let Him. There is nothing you should be hopeless over. He may not give you the answer you want when you turn it over to Him, but He’ll give you the answer you need. Don’t take my word on it though. Get in your church, or find a church and try it. Find a pastor. Find a brother or sister in Christ. There are many out there who love you, and want to talk to you. Reach out to me or Matt. Turns out God gave us a pretty good instruction manual on marriage, on life in general. Once Matt and I started using it, loving each other became SO easy. Life became so easy.
Prayer has become such an integral part of who we are as a couple; there is not much better than hearing your spouse pray for you and with you. If you feel led, we would love your prayers still. We’re still a work in progress, and we appreciate all the prayers we can get. If we can pray for you, please let us know!
In Christ, Lauren
a heart of grace 
🙏🏻♥️
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