How grace saved us

grace/ɡrās/ noun: the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

If there is a theme to our story, this is it. Grace. Unending grace.

I’ve been arguing, or more accurately, trying my best to ignore God the past several weeks. ” It’s time Lauren.” Nope. ” You can think about how you want to do this, but it’s time for you to do it.” Still no. ” I told you it’s time, and I haven’t been wrong about anything yet.” Honestly, by this time it was a very HARD no for me, so I did whatever I had to to ignore Him speaking to me.

Y’all. Lemme tell ya – God threw EVERYTHING he had at me. Everywhere I turned, everything I saw, every sermon that was preached at church – it was on my heart to the point that I couldn’t sleep good at night. Lesson learned. If God leads you to do something, go with it the first time.

So here we are!

I guess I should probably clarify a little – it’s time for our testimony. I’m not a writer, I’m certainly not an authority on the Bible, BUT I have had God take something broken in a thousand pieces and make it whole again. And not just whole again, He’s made it 1000x better, and He’s done it all for His glory.

Matt and I have been together about 7 1/2 years, and married for about 5 1/2. We were married in May 2013 and have two amazing kids, Logan(18) and Mae Harper(5). And in September 2018 our lives changed forever. We even refer to it as “ground zero” – we both knew that whatever happened in the next few days to come after that would define the rest of our lives.

I had an affair, and it all came spilling out one Sunday in September.

I’ve stared at this screen for I can’t tell you how long just now trying to type that. Not that it’s fresh news, or just happened. There’s no easy, or good way to put it. There’s nothing about it that doesn’t still make me cry when I think about all the hurt it’s caused. It takes my breath away and my throat closes up a little thinking back over the past few months. Ugly honest. Our pastor has put that term in my head, and that’s it, ugly honest. I was unfaithful to my husband. The devil found a crack, made his way in, and he took a mile. But the ugly honest isn’t what Matt and I try to focus on, rather we try to focus on the now. We focus on grace. Don’t get me wrong, some days it feels like we are in the deepest valley of our lives and it seems like we will never get out, and we can’t help but focus on the ugly honest. But God.

Let me share a little of our story…

Like I said, it all came crashing down one Sunday in September. I think we can both agree it was the single worst day of our lives. I’m not here to get into the details of all the affair, I’m here for what happened after. We knew this wasn’t something we could make it through the night without having some counsel over. Matt told me that Bro. Terry Fant said he could come meet with us, we weren’t members of his church but Matt had met him through a specials needs hunt earlier in the year through the church and felt comfortable meeting with him, so I told him that was fine we just needed someone to get here and get here quickly. We owe all the glory to God for saving our marriage, but Bro. Terry was His angel on earth that night for us. A man that didn’t know us, had no reason in the world to drive 20 minutes to our house after preaching FOUR times that day, but he did because there were two people hurting. There were two people in desperate need of hearing that God was with them and loved them and that it could be OK. There were two people that needed to see that there was someone that believed in them and would help them fight. And through Bro. Terry, those two people saw hope and God, and knew that it would be the hardest battle they’ve ever fought, but it would be the most rewarding victory they’ve ever won. Bro. Terry from that night on has meant more to us than he will probably ever know. He stayed with us, and talked to us for hours. It was well past midnight when he left. So much is a blur from that night, but he told us if you can just try to sleep in the same bed, don’t let the devil come between you any more than he already has. We’re going to fight this together. He prayed over us and told us that he would see us Tuesday.

It wasn’t easy, but we slept in the same bed that night. So much hurt had happened that day, and so many strong emotions were going on within Matt and myself, but we both just tried to focus on the things that Bro. Terry left us with. We woke up the next morning, and I for one felt the most dejected I think I have ever been in my life. I remember thinking there is no way we can get through it, as much as I want my family and my husband, I don’t see how we can come out together from this. I kept replaying things in my head that we had said to each other the day before, and remembering how he had looked at me. I prayed to God for a sign that we were going to be OK, but it was like I knew already that there was just no way. Matt had to take Logan to school, so maybe I should just pack mine and Mae Harper’s stuff then and leave while he was gone. A little bit later Matt’s alarm went off and he woke up. He sat up on the side of the bed and I heard him crying. Immediately, I wanted to comfort him; I reached over and put my hand on his back, and as soon as I touched him he recoiled from my touch. I may as well have been slapped; never has anything hurt so bad. Knowing that my touch made him physically pull away from me broke something so deep within me. I rolled over crying, and told myself that was what I needed – I’ll pack our stuff while he’s gone and not be here when he gets back. This won’t work, I don’t care what Bro. Terry said last night, too much has been broken. But on his way out the door with Logan that morning, Matt turned around and came and kissed me on the forehead like he has everyday for the past 5 years and told me he loved me. God was faithful. God gave me that sign. Matt had no idea what had been going through my head, but that stopped it. If that man could kiss me and tell me he loved me after everything he just learned, then I was going to be here when he got back.

He got back and we sat in the living room talking and crying and yelling for hours. He’d walk outside to get a break for a little bit, or to just give me a few minutes to myself, and then we’d start all over. Ugly honest. Then the next thing I know, one of the times he had walked out of the living room, I was doubled over crying thinking maybe I should still just pack my stuff and go, this is just getting worse on both of us, he came back, got on his knees in front of me and took me in his arms and told me to look at him. I was thinking sweet mercy this is it, he’s done, he’s really done this time.. he literally cannot take anymore, and I don’t blame him. He said, “I forgive you. I’ve been wrestling with God all morning about this, but he’s telling me that I’m going to forgive you. And I do – I forgive you. I love you, and I forgive you.”

Y’all. I still can’t even. I’m crying typing it. I can’t talk about it without crying. Grace y’all, grace! We held each other and cried and cried and cried some more. That was the first time I think I for one can say that I finally let the Holy Spirit in and felt Him move in ways that I can’t even explain. Was it easy that day? No. Has it been easy since then? Heavens no! But Matt obeyed, and he forgave me. And without him being faithful and listening, we wouldn’t be here today. Forgiveness doesn’t mean its been a downhill ride, not by a long shot. This has been the hardest thing either one of us has ever done. It took a while for the good days to out number the bad days, and there are still bad days. But God is faithful, and He is good, and He started working in two very broken people building back the marriage He had intended for us all along.

We walked in Bro. Terry’s office the Tuesday after it all happened, hand in hand. Bro. Terry laughed and shook his head, he said, “I don’t know what happened and I can’t wait to hear, but let’s pray.” And we glorified God, we glorified Him for getting us to where we were that day and we praised Him for seeing us this far through the storm and thanked Him for His persistence and His faithfulness, and He is good y’all. We walked through Bro. Terry’s door on Tuesday; we walked through the doors of Hickory Ridge Baptist Church on Sunday; and our walk with Christ hasn’t been the same since. We had always considered ourselves Christians. We were members of a church, and we were involved when it was convenient for us. If I can tell you one thing, find a church and get involved. From the day we stepped foot through the doors at HRBC, we have been loved, accepted and treated like family. Whether they know it or not, they helped save us.

God has pounded this on my heart. There have been many days that it’s felt hopeless for us. And then out of the strangest places, God sends exactly what we need. Our lives have changed SO much from this. They’ve changed for the better, even though some changes have been tough to swallow. We’ve lost friendships and relationships; we’ve learned how to safeguard our marriage; we’ve seen how our lives weren’t examples of Christ that we want to live out for our kids. There have been several times in counseling with Bro. Terry that he’s said offhanded, “Y’all just wait till you see how God uses your story!” There’s so much more to our story – this is just the beginning. We want to share it with you though. We want you to know that there is hope, no matter how dark it may seem or how broken you may think it is. Our story is one of redemption, and mercy, and GRACE! It’s of forgiveness and blessedness. But what we really want you to know that our story is one of HOPE. Without God we wouldn’t be here. Without God, I couldn’t write this. If you’re a couple that’s going through the same struggle, hold on – it’s going to get better, I promise. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it. If you’re in a marriage or a relationship, then please don’t make the same mistakes I did, and we did, use our hard learned lessons to safeguard your marriage now.

Our theme in church this year is DEEPER. So here I go… I’m going deeper in our journey to where we are now. I’m going deeper in our testimony. We don’t have all the answers; I don’t know if we even have any answers. But we’re going to go DEEPER and tell our story. This isn’t about us, this is all for His glory. This certainly isn’t your typical fairy tale – it’s SO much better, I’ll take a story that God has written over a fairy tale any day! This isn’t a journey either one of us ever thought we would take, and we certainly never want to go down this road again, but we both wholeheartedly agree that we wouldn’t trade the relationship we have now for anything. If I can say one thing, it’s how much I love this man. No matter what’s happened today, I know without a doubt when I lay my head down at night, I have never been happier and I have never loved anyone as much as I love this guy right here. We started our marriage with just us, now there’s three of us, a marriage CANNOT make it without Christ in the center; and our love has NEVER been stronger since our walk with Christ is where its supposed to be.

But one more thing, I’d like to ask you to pray for us. This isn’t just our story, it’s His story – pray that what God has put on my heart I can do justice in writing and that it will glorify Him. Pray for our family as we continue through our healing. Pray with me for anybody else that is going through this as well. Praying is one of the things Matt and I started doing together, and let me tell you – there is something so powerful in praying for your spouse and with your spouse!

So stay tuned, there’s so much more to come!

THIS IS AMAZING GRACE!!

In Christ, Lauren

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15